Back pain - disappointment - crisis

Still, according to my usual logic, having anything or not having anything, is not a matter of good or bad.
Having none or having all, are just different beginning points of life.
But life is not about destination. Life is a process and we all agree with it.
A rich boy becoming a rich man is nothing to be proud about. Not for a rich boy who is willing to become poor.

Oh, I wanna talk about my back pain.
At the moment when I fell from skating, I did predict such a day would come.
I know the risk of skating yet I still do it. It is partly due to curiosity and partly due to the ignorance towards the series of pain that I might gain after falling.

I know this is a very disorganized blog post.

Maybe it is a good thing to have a bad accident in US.
I have to learn how to survive with all the unfortunate accidents, somehow.
I have to learn how to live without money, how to live with pain, how to live alone.

Academy, job, health are all minor cases compared to my determination.

But I am not determined though.

I want to live as a normal person now.
I want to get my health back to the place.

Angry towards others who don't take care of their health.

You know how good my immune system is?
You know how brilliant I am?

But my body..it's such a waste.

It's such a waste, for my precious time in US.

I gonna go back. It's just one month after the accident happens and I cant wait to go back.

Life is

I dun wanna be an extraordinary person.
Above average will do.
Is there anything I want to reach in in the academic mountain?
No, it's just fine.
I didn't think that far.
It's ok for me to be a little woman, no, not with a rich guy at least.
I will contribute to my future husband, I guess.
I will let my once glittering intelligence fade, I guess.
I guess I will just live anonymously. Full of hope and love, somehow.
Why must I be highly ambitioned?
No, I dun like that.
Juz give me a place in life will do.
I'm not a star that everyone cant reach.
Career, marriage, children...they will be part of my treasure in my future life.
I can't resist the fate, unless I die early don't I?

Nights without goodnite

It is the consecutive second night without goodnight.
I m just feeling lonely, very lonely without your soft voice.
I need your words to support me, everyday every night.
I think you feel the same way too.
Sorry for let you waiting.
My phones are coming and everything will be okay soon, alright?
Dear, I wish I can hold you more tightly.
You always know that I love you.

Stressed

Well, I'm stressed yet I think all will be ended this weekend.
You can say that I am greedy, since I have just dropped one course and added two courses (one is a life science!), so definitely I have to double or triple my effort to catch up the past classes and prepare for upcoming classes.
And also I am very "pik chek" since my microphone is not working in this ubuntu operated laptop. Never mind, my hubby should try to reduce the time we chat everyday, since the telephone fee has cost me more than $150, which is equivalent to RM 500, in only two weeks!
But I really dunno what to do currently to rescue the situation, since tomorrow I have a homework due and I gotta do my observation in lab tomorrow.
Ya..one thing that depressed me very much is, I can't catch up what my Bio professor is telling! I really hope that I can read more and fasterand earlier!
I really dunno how little is my smile today...Last night I did cry when he ask me not to over stress myself, and keep on saying sorry while he din do anything wrong.
Maybe just coz I din study for four months, and the feeling of stressed easily take me away.
All I hope is to complete whatever I need to do now and have a good rest in weekends...
I din even join any activity leh, surprised? Haha...

Back in moody

Going to start blogging again in English, since I am becoming speechless every time I open my blog.
Felt like I am really a child, that refuses to grow up, that refuses the reality where socialization is necessary, that have no plan towards future.
Felt like I have no contribution to the whole world, while I am sponsored to study, and I am bearing the dreams of my family and friends.
If I just want to be a naive and pampered person, I can just choose to marry the one that loves me.
But I don't want such life. I don't want to bet my life on somebody else.
I need somebody who just give me freedom and love as much as I want. I'm bad, right?

Talking about my campus life, excitement is just a while.
Though I have planned for the subjects that I am going to take the following semesters, I can hardly sit down and read, as required for academic success.
Laziness? Maybe. I don't even go to hang out alone like what I used to do when I am in INTI. Or maybe the weather here restrict me from doing so.

I wish I can read more.
I wish I can be more aggressive, more energetic and more motivated than now. Academically, socially, individually...Maybe I need some exercises or outdoor activities.

So, what am I going to do now?

Wait, I have just added two courses which is Intro Combinators and Contemporary Life Sciences. And I don't know any of the progress of these classes! Supposedly I should go to buy textbooks or borrow textbooks for both these subjects, due to the financial restriction, I can only borrow the textbook for math 475.

Also, I have a homework which is due on 14 sept and I need to do some reading on Cs302 desperately.

I should find one day to hang out alone when I feel right to do it. Ya I wanna buy some clothes at Goodwill...

I have no preference for friends, so friends come when we have the similar interest, thus I can just join any activities that I like to make new friends, eg Hoofers, Chess Club, Math Club, Board Games Club and so on...(Why there is no Sudoku club?)

Hmm, I guess that's all what I need to accomplish for recent days. Also I gotta find a way out for my sound setting for ubuntu...some prob with the mic, sigh...

Disappointment

I need a guide.
Not you, not those brillant, not those sensitive and observative.
A guide to show whether I am right or wrong.
Being tired for listening to you, although all your words are because of your love.
Involment in all kinds of activities, has been an encouragement, since I cannot do well in certain areas.
But there are something that I can make it if I am more free, more hardworking and more concentrate. Yet I do not have time for being such a person.
NO TIME?! Why? Inefficiency? Too distracted? Or really NO TIME?
I have time to play Go online, I have time to talk a lot of rubbish with you, I have time to walk here walk there, without hurrying or guilty for wasted time and money.
I thought that being multitasked and manage all tasks well is one of the steps to become a adult.
Can I go through all the obstancles in academic, activities, and personal?
WHY CAN'T???!!!!
Scoring A+ in Statistics is going to be a dream if I keep on wandering in the same state.
Is it really important? Yes, just because I am good at Math and I do not want to fail any of it. Fail means A- and below for me, nope, is A and below, for any Math subjects.
Honestly I was a little bit regretful for joining the Amazing Race committee, although I did't spend too much of my time for my post. I have joined it voluntarily since I thought the returning to rural camp is going to be held in Feb. It cost me a lot of time for I was having Greening INTI, CNY, Rural Camp Return at the same time. I initially planned that I have only two events going on at the same time.
Yet what I get from the event is a positive energy, which really makes me wanna be a committee for events by adventure club once more. Maybe it is because of Ziyang's good leadership and the charming of the event itself. Also there are lots of good time being with Darren, Shih Yuin, Xiao Ting, etc.
There are too many things. Too many things that I like. that I really wanna do it well. but can't. 'cause there 're too many. And I will never sleep late for days just for these not-so-significant things.
The most significant thing for me is?
I love the feeling of being confident and independent to overcome anything because I wanna be a real adult who can handle multitasks, who can realize the dreams by one own, who can adapt to any environment that one is in.
Yeah I am just a selfish. Love is just a game. Like what ong said no matter he really meant it.
So I treat love as game eventually?
I guess I just need a rest.

We Are One

Listening to "we are one" by Kelly Sweet. and am crying. for no reason. or unknown reason.
Dear when you said,"My mom likes you so much, but she asked me to let go of this relationship, 'cause she knew I am one who value relationships, and it will be a hard time when you're gone, but I never give up the hope...", I started crying.
I love your mom too...it is hard to find a good mother like yours. I love to stay with your family, and the little Nicholas.
I don't like arguing actually...I cry everytime after I lose my temper...
"I am you, you are me, we are one..."

Stayed awake

The night was too young and I had too much to tell.
Yet I am reluctant to use the Windows pinyin.
Thus I played games for the whole night.
And slept while my roomate woke up.
There were something I need to tell badly, because of "high"ness perhaps due to two cups of coffee and one cup of teh tarik at night.
I know nothing does cure.
I know I am not superwoman.
Kinda refused the things I do not want to do but forced to do due to obligation.
Do not want you to be sad, but I am the one who hurt you the most.
Sometimes I tend to trap myself in the old times. I saw him leaning against the door, and I felt like I have seen him in the same way same style same clothes before.
I could recall all the past memories, if you stil have the same feeling towards me too.
I know it's just a joke, since if one go back to the past with the memories perhaps one year later, one will appreciate something more and lose something even more.
Like the feeling of the first kiss.
It's impossible to turn back, but we can always do something to make the future better.

I love you

Just back from a 2 days 1 night trip, I guess. All my memories with you are so sweet, all the while.

Recently still stick to Dido's "Grafton Street". A song which describes the loss of the beloved, using lyrics in conversation style etc.

How if I lose you some day, my dear? Will it be a great change in my life? Would I ever refuse to go somewhere we have been together? Would I remember you still? Your face, your habits, your laughter......I want to remember as much as I could, as I won't let you just go away like this. Without my order, you are not allowed to leave.

Dear, thanks for everything. The word of "dear" is actually used for the second time in my life; it was initially used for the only one. Thanks for accepting me with your opened arms. Thanks for the forgiveness. Thanks for your love. It seems harder and harder for me to let go of you when it's time to leave.

Dear, I wanna be your real wife. Wanna organize a new family with you. And wanna live with your family too. I deeply believe that a marriage is not just the business of two people, but it is the matter of two families. I really hope that my family will accept you too. Thanks for giving me such affluent energy and motivation to move on. I promised I won't disappoint you, my dear. Love you!

Bad Tuesday

Yeah, I'm start to dislike Tuesday. Normally I like any day, because every day is a good day if you have worked on it.
The reason? I checked my timetable and saw 4 hours of English classes in the row. Yeah, it's the reason. There is no science subject today. And my confidence is going down to negative value although you did not mean it.
Events are not successful for me. Now the courses too. What for going to US? I just wanna focus on what I am good at. Mathematics. At least, there is something that I can be proud of. Yeah, I'm a beginner for something. And perhaps I did not pay much effort on it. I don't know what is called putting effort. Sitting in front of my desk the whole day? Maybe it's still not enough. So what is it? Time flies...easily.
What on the earth is the kind of person am I? So active and so passive...

Sick Still

It has been six days since I was sick. Damn it...(Just to learn the usage of new word)
I have a lovely holiday for 3 days 3 nights, with my hubby Ah Dee. No doubt that he is really a good husband, but sometimes I get angry over his "ngam cham". I dunno whether this is a true love or I just enjoy being loved, yet I really like him. I don't wanna miss any good man in my life.
I am having a inconsistent lifestyle, and I still haven't find out the correct path to put everything into normal. I am tired now...Maybe it's too fast for me to adapt a new environment from the comfortable and reliable one.
Am I a short-sighted person? I am doing anything for the good of my future right? Am I making rubbish? I am so....so confident, that I can pass all the things maybe not perfectly, but averagely good.
I need a break...

Sick day

I think I act rather weird this semester. Or I should say that..I have behaved like this since dthe last semester?

The gap between my friends and I have widen so far. Staying alone in room is more preferable. I just wanna have my own space.

Sick. Really wish someone is here to take care of me like what my mom always did. I know I gotta be more stronger and independent.